I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
