I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
