that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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