I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
