don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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