Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just blew my weed a kiss
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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