One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
