Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
