it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
