Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize