May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
