I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
