Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
