worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
This can only be settled by a dance off.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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