I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
