Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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