New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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