I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
