You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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