i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
