somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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