My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
