They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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