oh god the rape fog is back!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I am one with the molecules
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
