I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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