Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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