babies were throwing up all over the place
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
