I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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