I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
