There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
