the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
