Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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