I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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