His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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