ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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