remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
