sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
