So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
