One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
There's always time for handjobs
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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