overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
