I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
