i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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