Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
