He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
