No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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