Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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