That's intense
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
