I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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