youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
