I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize