Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
