shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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