Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
