guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
