So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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