Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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