I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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